10 May - Brent Paschall spoke

The Parent-Led Home

  1. Introduction
    1. Review
  2. Key Statement:  The home that is blessed by God is led by parents who responsibly train their children to be respectful, submissive and obedient.
  3. The roles of parents and children
    1. Father the leader of the home – Eph 5:23, 6:4
      1. The head of the wife as Christ is the  head of the church
      2. He is the individual primarily responsible for the upbringing of the children
    2. Mother’s role  - Tit. 2:4-5
      1. Keeper/manager of home
      2. Under the authority of her husband
      3. He is the commander, she is the executive officer
    3. The child’s duty – Eph. 6:1-3
      1. Obedience
      2. Respect and Honor
  4. Training the Child
    1. Consequences
      1. Eli did not restrain his sons
        1. Did not restrain his sons - 1 Sam. 3:11-13
        2. “his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them.”
        3. God killed them
      2. David
        1. Neglected the training of his sons – 1 Kings 1:5-6
        2. his father had not rebuked him at any time by saying, "Why have you done so?"
        3. Adonijah rebelled against him
      3. The effect of the foolish son:
        1. Grief to his mother (Prov. 10:1)
        2. Despises his mother (Prov. 15:20)
        3. Grief to his father (Prov. 17:25)
        4. Bitterness to his mother (Prov. 17:25)
        5. Ruin to his father (Prov. 19:13)
    2. Tools for Training - The parents have everything they need:
      1. God has given them commands and instruction
      2. He has given them the authority in the home needed to make and enforce the rules of the home
      3. The use of the rod of correction
      4. They control nearly every aspect of the child’s life
        1. The money
        2. The groceries
        3. The house
        4. The car
        5. The power
      5. The child desires to please the parents
        1. Even when he or she is disrespectful and rebellious
        2. The child longs for and needs the love and respect of his or her parents
        3. To be on the same team
    3. Effective Child Training – Disclaimer
      1. I am not an expert on these matters
      2. My family does certain things that work for us
      3. We are trying to constantly learn from our own experiences and those of other parents
      4. I will be giving some practical suggestions
      5. You need to do what works in your home
      6. The bottom line is: 
        1. You as the parent have the responsibility to train your children to be respectful, submissive and obedient in the context of a loving, God-centered home.
        2. The Bible gives divine guidance – Follow it without fail!
        3. Others may give practical advice – Consider it and use what works
    4. Effective Child Training – The Early Years
      1. Tools
        1. Small switch
        2. Swat or spank
        3. PURPOSE: Associate discomfort or light pain with negative behavior and with your corrective words
      2. Can begin very early
        1. Not punishment, but training
        2. Don’t touch/grab
        3. Not to climb stairs
        4. Distinguishing wants and needs
      3. Does begin very early
        1. We are always training our kids
        2. The behavior you accept is the behavior you are training
        3. What you allow, you encourage
        4. The tone of voice you use to correct or command is the tone of voice you will always need to use
        5. The number of warnings
        6. Correction followed by reward is reward
      4. Training young children
        1. At home in private
        2. Yes Sir/Yes Ma’am
        3. Sit still – Helps a lot at church!
        4. Play Quietly or On your Own
        5. Have High Expectations
        6. Eliminates the need for public discipline
        7. If lapses, go back and train some more
      5. The alternatives to training
        1. Accept whatever behavior you get
        2. Punish unwanted behaviors afterward
        3. Bribe children to do your wishes
        4. General frustration and exasperation
      6. Discipline vs. Training
        1. Training is for modifying behavior, knowledge and skill
        2. Discipline is for modifying attitudes
        3. Which is more important, Actions or Attitude?
          1. Attitude
          2. Prov. 4:23
      7. Temper-tantrum? Defiance? Wilful Disobedience? Ignoring Parents? Back talking?
        1. When attitude problems occur, it is a serious issue
        2. You want this to happen when a child is very young
        3. It is unpleasant, but must be dealt with:
          1. Switching/spanking until a child is fully submissive
          2. Then immediately requiring prompt and respectful obedience to enough tasks to demonstrate his will is submitted
          3. Repeat as needed
      8. Is Spanking appropriate?
        1. It is commanded!
          1. Prov. 19:18
          2. Prov. 13:24
          3. Prov. 22:15
          4. Prov. 23:13-14
          5. Prov. 29:15 – Along with reproof – One without the other is unbalanced
          6. Prov. 29:17
        2. Appropriate spanking
          1. Is motivated by love, not anger
          2. Is exercised calmly, ideally with prayer
          3. Is not allowed to be suspended by last-minute obedience or contrition – Once you have decided the child needs it, DO NOT fail to give it
          4. Requires the child to submit to the spanking
            1. Wriggling
            2. Deflecting
            3. Dodging
            4. Are not submission
          5. Is appropriate punishment for the wrong behavior
          6. Should be followed by submissive and respectful obedience
          7. Should be followed by full restoration to fellowship with the parent
      9. Forces undermining training
        1. The need for consistency
        2. Parental laziness/distraction/business
        3. It requires time
        4. Strong-willed children will periodically test
    5. Effective Training – Older Children
      1. Developing moral sense
      2. Greater ability to understand their behavior and consequences
      3. More autonomy and independence
      4. Physical correction is eventually replaced with other methods
        1. Because in older children, it can teach that the biggest and strongest gets his/her way
        2. And children need to be making more connections between their actions and the results, besides the fact that parents disapprove.
      5. Reality-based discipline
        1. Natural Consequences
          1. Do not protect the children from the consequences of their actions
          2. God doesn’t protect us from the consequences of our actions, our children need this, too
          3. Won’t get out of bed? 
            1. Makes the child late for school
            2. Note to school explaining the student was late because he/she didn’t get out of bed.
            3. Make sure the teacher knows you support whatever consequences the child receives at school for being late.
            4. Take your time getting ready
          4. Room not clean? Chores not done?
            1. Hire the child’s sibling or parent or a neighbor kid to do it
            2. Deduct wages from the child’s allowance
          5. Laziness? Neglecting Responsibilities?
            1. People in subordinate position are responsible to do as they are told.
            2. Children are subordinate to their parents
            3. Only ask once
            4. Expect it to be done
            5. If it isn’t, nothing else happens until it does
            6. Ex. Clean the garage today/Next day little league tryouts
              1. No warnings or reminders or coaxing
              2. If he misses, he misses
        2. Unwanted Behaviors affect relationships
          1. Complaining about Dinner?
            1. People don’t like doing things for others only to get criticized.
            2. Mom is a people
            3. The child misses a meal – NO SNACKS
            4. or The child fixes dinner themselves
          2. Lying or Deception?
            1. Lying destroys trust between people
            2. Parents are people
            3. Not only is there immediate punishment
            4. The next event or two or three that requires trust doesn’t happen, because lying destroys trust
          3. Fussing or fighting between siblings?
            1. People who have disagreements have to work them out
            2. Brothers and sisters are people
            3. Put them in a room until they work it out between themselves to the parents satisfaction
            4. Nothing else happens for those kids until it is resolved
            5. A helpful rule: If it is not fun for everyone, it is not fun.
          4. Defiance? Ignoring Parents? Willful Disobedience? Back talking?
            1. When a defiant attitude is displayed, it is a serious issue
            2. You want this to happen when a child is very young
            3. Defiance in older children must also be addressed
            4. Defiance affects relationships:
              1. Personal attacks offend people.
              2. People you offend don’t feel like helping you
              3. Parents are people
            5. When the defiance occurs, have high expectations. This should include:
              1. A total, sincere apology for the outburst
              2. Complete compliance with whatever parental actions caused the outburst
              3. Acceptance of whatever other consequences you decide
            6. Until your expectations are met:
              1. The answer to all questions involving privileges/favors/requests should be no
              2. When the kid figures out that the relationship has changed, make the kid figure out why and tell you
              3. When he understands and apologizes, accept the apology
              4. But continue withholding privileges for some period, and explain why.
      6. This type of discipline requires parents to use creativity
        1. Trade ideas
        2. Share experiences and laughs
        3. Rejoice in successes
        4. Enjoy being a parent!
    6. The goal of training and discipline – Heb. 12:5-11
      1. Submission of Children to parents (do not despise it, we respected them)
      2. Expression of Love
      3. Fulfillment of parental duty
      4. Ready to accept and be trained by the chastening of God
        1. That they may partake of God’s holiness
        2. That they may enjoy the peaceable fruits of righteousness
  5. Conclusion
    1. God’s way is the best way!

1 Samuel 3:11-13 NKJV  Then the LORD said to Samuel: "Behold, I will do something in Israel at which both ears of everyone who hears it will tingle.  12  In that day I will perform against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end.  13  For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them.

Ephesians 6:4 NKJV  And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

Hebrews 12:5-11 NKJV  And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: "MY SON, DO NOT DESPISE THE CHASTENING OF THE LORD, NOR BE DISCOURAGED WHEN YOU ARE REBUKED BY HIM;  6  FOR WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE CHASTENS, AND SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."  7  If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten?  8  But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons.  9  Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live?  10  For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness.  11  Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

1 Kings 1:5-6 NKJV  Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, "I will be king"; and he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him.  6  (And his father had not rebuked him at any time by saying, "Why have you done so?" He was also very good-looking. His mother had borne him after Absalom.)

1 Samuel 20:31-34 NKJV  For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, you shall not be established, nor your kingdom. Now therefore, send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die."  32  And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said to him, "Why should he be killed? What has he done?"  33  Then Saul cast a spear at him to kill him, by which Jonathan knew that it was determined by his father to kill David.  34  So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and ate no food the second day of the month, for he was grieved for David, because his father had treated him shamefully.

Titus 2:4-5 NKJV  that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,  5  to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.

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